| Orlando goodness. |
[10 May 2005|01:47am] |
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Be without fear in the face of your enemies.
Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death.
Safeguard the helpless,
And do no wrong.
This is your oath.
The Kingdom of Jeruselem, the Kingdom of Heaven lies in the mind, and in the heart. There is no religion in God. It lies in a right heart. In a good man. Who's only purpose is to make the world better.
Who can claim the kingdom?
No one...
Everyone.
Peace be with you,
Allah le con salam.
Orlando Bloom is beautiful.
Absolutely beautiful.
I promise to be faithful always, unless he shows up at my door. :)
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[08 May 2005|11:40pm] |
I know now why god used the weak to beat giants.
Or, why god used the poor to buy out the rich.
Or, why joan of arc was a 17 year old virgin who knew nothing of battle.
The greatest heroes in life, are the ones we seem to peg as inadequate of anything great.
Their victories make no common sense whatsoever.
But there is something beautiful about things that our minds can't hold on to.
We have no other choice but to believe in it.
If everything was logical, we would peg this world as something we created, some sort of order we established. And then, the pressure of finding the beautiful life would be on our logic to get us there. No risk. No mystery. No surprise.
Miracles would not exist.
I think god likes to use the "inadequate" time to time to blow the highly qualified community out of the water because it robs us of a control that comes from logical actions and reactions. It reminds us, in quite a relieving way, that we will never know it all, or be able to control it all. And the only constant is the spirit of the one thing god is.
Love.
We don't know it.
We don't control it.
Love is the miracle.
And love is illogical.
Thank God.
This is why I think it will work. :)
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| yay |
[05 May 2005|06:17pm] |
I tested out of Spanish. which means a guarenteed graduation in spring. Finally!!!
I got accepted for an internship for my major, working for and journaling about hospice patients. GREAT experience I am sure.
Rachel will be living here soon, with her boyfriend. Who loves her, and I am so excited cause she deserves it. And we've been friends since the first day of kindergarten, so it's time for us to be together again because i love her too!
No matter what happens from here on out, Aaron has taught me so much about life, and has helped me to understand myself better and grow into something even better. And that's all I could ever ask out of any type of relationship.
Things are coming together...and it's just like in the book The Alchemist. "when you find and commit yourself to your purpose on this earth, it is as if the world conspires through good and bad things, to make it happen for you."
I have learned that it is easy to be in control of your life. And it's even easier to lose control. But it's infinitely difficult to equally share that control. But it's where love is i think.
good times. no worries. I am blessed. woot woot!
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| Birthday memories... |
[01 May 2005|12:46am] |
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Let's recap some birthdays.
One birthday party was at a skating rink, and the theme was New Kids on the Block. I had a ridiculous 80's tee of Joey MacIntire, a horrible perm, but the best little friends an 8 year old could ever want. That was fun.
My 10th birthday was a 50's theme. We all did the hand jive and played Limbo in our poodle skirts and greased hair. haha...
My 11th birthday was just a crazy party at my house. We were all dancing on the dining room table and learned the entire rap to Kris Kross' "jump jump!!!" Good times...
Um, my 13th party I finished opening all my presents aand was greatly disappointed that there was nothing from my crush. After hours in distress, i got a phone call from him asking if I ever got his gifts. My dad didnt see it in his trunk and brought it back over to my house. He got me the Salt N Peppa and Ace of Bass cassettes. And he asked me out that day. I did like that birthday lots...
My 16th birthday, I failed my driving test, had my solo cut from our pops concert, got in trouble for swearing in school, got in a fight with my best friend...yea that one just sucked.
My 17th, sad to say, was spent with my girlfriends stoned out of our minds. sitting in my room, laughing and crying and eating lots and lots of dorito's...um, yea.
My 21st birthday was spent 2000 miles away from everyonen I cared about. Everyone I knew. I was working at Hooters that day, and I ended up standing on a stool while the girls circled around me and clapped and sang the ANNOYING hooter's birthday song while my boss offerred to buy me a beer. Do I even have to tell you how depressed I was that day?
But my 23rd birthday...
my coming of age birthday.
-My parents flew out to see my Arizona life for the first time, and I got to see my parents and my aunt and uncle bond, despite the akwardness that my aunt is related to my real dad and there is no real blood between them. But it didnt matter today.
My mom woke me reading a children's book on a litte warthog named Ngiri, who is a drummer in Africa and is sad that he is so small and not as pretty as the other animals. But Ngiri just keeps beatin his drum, and finds he is perfect as he is. so presh!
-I got the most beautiful flowers from my aunt and uncle with a precious card...they are not mushy at all, but today they were.
-I took my mom and step dad to my humble little church held at our Pastor's house, and we all held eachother and sang during worship. And although they were a little hesitant about experiencing a church that practices the supernatural gifts of God, they agreed to see if God had any prophetic words to share with them. So Pastor, his wife, and their son prayed, and shared all these CRAZY words they received, about things that they shoudln't have known. Needless to say, my parents were both balling their eyes out and a new peace came over them. I swear they are walking lighter today than I have ever seen.
-We all went swimming, laughing and being crazy as I cannonballed everyone in to a state of utter saturation. It felt like a really old school family vacation in a hotel...and I was glad to know we could all still pretend time didn't matter, that we were all kids.
-FREE KIRSPY KREMES.
-My grandma gave me the most beautiful card. My mom said I should give up on trying to get her to be more open with her feelings, but I decided to try and love her back to life. This card was so precious, and my mom couldn't believe how much my grandma has changed...
-My favorite people in the world did not forget to call.
-my beautiful friends came out to watch me dance and drum, and I realized for the first time, Phoenix was home.
-I danced and drummed my BUTT off tonight, and I was in a state of bliss! I forgot how much dancing is my passion, and performing is the best way to let that out of you! It's good, after being the quiet shy sad little girl, getting out and fearlessly busting a move, and putting all the people who thought they knew me in shock at what was inside of me the whole time. Man, it was like a huge energy love fest...and I swear God was all over that concert. SO full of life.
-My baby bought me roses. A dozen red roses. I dont know how, but he did. And he brought them to me during rehearsal and everyone got to see how great of a boy I found. No one has ever gotten me roses...
-He also baked me, my favorite cake! And the last minutes before I ended my day, were spent over the candlelight and crazy beautiful wishes. Like the last scene of sixteen candles. And try as I may, I cant find one good reason why I should not be with this boy. I actually found a good one...who makes me smile so big and bright.
So over all...it felt like everything I was created for, was starting to come together. I am graduating next year and am passionately following an actual direction in my life. My best friend is moving out here. Reconciliation is happening like mad in my family. All these AMAZING people have been brought in to my life. Life is becoming simple again...my heart is kicking my mind's butt for once. I feel so much more older and wiser...but to me that feels like being a kid again.
And i realize...wisdom lies in children. And its so good to get back.
BEST BIRTHDAY OF MY LIFE.
And if this keeps up, I embrace age with open arms. Why should I fear growing old? If life just gets better every birthday....
I will not forget this.
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[28 Apr 2005|02:22am] |
Being self aware is a good thing.
But it sure doesn't make it any easier to change.
My writing teacher get passionately upset with my papers. and the funny thing is, everytime I hand one in, I really believe I had fixed what he hated...
He said I am too abstract. And that, even though I like to write in a way that causes people to ponder before understanding, I still write too abstract that people will just get frustrated. Like he did. I write too poetic, and too self-indulgent in tangents and details that are unnecessary to an outside reader. My form is all over the place. I am only writing with one side of my brain.
Everytime he comes down on me like this, I feel for a short second like i might die cause he didnt just hit my writing, he hit "me." I write the way I feel think and act. Too abstract? Too poetic? I dont try. I really dont try. It's just, my whole life, as long as I can remember, I've existed in this whole nother realm. Somewhere..out there. And the world to me is this ongoing poem. It makes me feel so misunderstood.
one time in class, we were supposed to re-write cliche similes. One example was "happy as a clam" and we were supposed to replace the word clam with a new idea. Without even thinking, I blurt out "hamburger!! Happy as hamburger!" And the class just kind of stops and looks at me, and I am not kidding I am dead serious, "you know, when you make a smily face with the ketchup?" I coudl have jsut died. I am such an idiot? Especially when my teacher says "This explains a lot Lisa." I feel so foolish, that this is the way I think. I just don't see the world with normal eyes. #)&OIEUJ!!!
But then, after someone reems you out and you have time to filter out all the bad things, you remember the good things. He told me my writing was really provacative. That some of my thoughts really made him ponder things, and were really interesting to read. But my creativity is overbalancing the discipline side of my brain, and they must work hand in hand. That I remind him so much of his own son. So creative thinking and musically inclined, your mind is always up on the clouds. He told me he has to tell his son the same things everyday. That, he takes zoloft too.
So i realized, the teachers that kick your butt the most, are the ones you usualy remember.
I asked my Rabbi that night, who is this beautiful 85 year old man with such a simple teaching style, how he was able to teach something like religion without being too abstract.
He told me " I had the same problem. I needed someone to tell me to come back down from the clouds too. I realized that if I wanted to communicate God to anyone, I would have to see and hear Him in the physical world. All around me. The basics...it's not just about religion. It's about life. And people will understand God in life."
Back to the book of Proverbs.
Time to learn simplexity.
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[20 Apr 2005|12:41am] |
There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life- fear of death, fear of judgment-is one not yet fully formed in love.
1John 4:18
i thought i was set.
i thought i had enough love from god, that there was nothing else i needed.
but the second i feel threatened by another person, i become very selfish. protective, and self involved. like people owe me something. like, i deserve people to undo the pain of growing up without a dad...
that's ridiculous.
no one owes me anything.
and no one has to love me.
i tell so many people that they just need to let god love them.
that His love is sufficient and cures all the pains of feeling unlovable and worthless.
And here i am...selfish and abrasively protective.
Looks like allowing god to love me back to life is something I have to do daily.
that i am never really "set."
there is always more love to be made known...
im so sorry. i am a bad friend.
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| thank you... |
[18 Apr 2005|03:48am] |
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Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love eachother as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.
1Peter2:7-8
I know you can't love me like my Father. Or know me fully as He does, creating me and watching me grow all these years. I know you can't guide me, and speak to me the way He does. So, as I sit here wondering where you fit in all of this, I remember Joan of Arc. Her best friend grew up with her, then fought the front lines with her, then staged as an englishman risking his life in order to be at the trial. And then again risked his life approaching the burning stake in tears, as Joan cried out desperately for a cross. The last thing she wanted to see on this earth was the first thing she would see when she left it.
And the last thing she saw, was her best friend holding up her cross.
You can never be, what the cross is to me.
But if you promise to always hold it for me, when I am too weak or bound up to do it myself, when i am being consumed by the flames of the enemy, then I have found the place where you fit in perfectly.
on the other side of the cross.
My crazy beautiful...just hold my cross. And I will hold yours.
snug in the middle of us, the source of perfect love.
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| every beginning is some other beginnings end |
[17 Apr 2005|02:27am] |
So i went through all my old LJ's. And deleted the older ones, kept the ones I wanna remember, but deleted most of them. some were so angry, and so sad. And that is all behind me now...
I decided I am going to start attending a catholic mass on top of my crazy charasmatic services. There was this whole wave of youth that wanted to break free from the religiosity and legalistic constraints of the church, and thus found themselves singing only songs of what will be, and who they will be, and what they will do. That gets tiring sometimes. And I am worn out.
I'm going back to the start. I miss hymns. Singing of what God has already done. I miss taking communion all the time, and remembering constantly of His brokeness. I miss the Lord's prayer. I miss stained glass windows. I miss reflecting on saints, reflecting on who God WAS and IS. I wanna go to confession.
I love Jewish traditions too. The first Christians were labeled as "First Jews, then Christians". Well, aren't we all that? First Jews? I wanna celebrate Passover with Lamb and flatbread and wine, and remember how God delivered the Hebrews from slavery from the slained lamb's blood. Passover should be just as important as Good Friday, since what is the revelation of Jesus without the prophecies in the old testament that He fulfilled? I wanna sing hebrew songs and dance traditional dances.
I miss tradition. I forgot all the reasons church was what it was. The simple spirit behind the traditions. It's our souls prophetically acting out stories that are written in the deepest part of our hearts.
You know what really fires me up to BE?
reading about Joan of Arc and seeing who she WAS.
The great paradox of moving forward, is that the hope that takes us to the promised land ahead of us, is found by looking back on the promises and miracles that have already been made and done.
I wanna get to the end.
So I'm going back to the start.
PS. Holland is beautiful I have found. crazy, but beautiful.
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[11 Apr 2005|11:03pm] |
I have failed to finish the dragonfly story, but it has been brought to my attention that some revelation is only for yourself. I have gotten a tremendous peace about not having to verify everything through other people. Since most could not understand. so that story is laid to rest.
In my Christianity class, I was reading the last part of my Joan of Arc book, the recount of her trial. Of course I am already upset, as I imagine peter was at Jesus' trial, angry at the unfair sentencing of such royal idiots. But their accusations, and their tired old theology and doctrine and trickery, used over and over against her, and yet she kept coming back, with wisdom of simplicity, that put them all to shame.
And then in class, we are learning about St Justin Martyr, who I thought I adored, and dont get me wrong honor is due to him, but his great legacy was his apologetics, as a student of philosophy. He found a way to get through to all the pagan philosophers of that day, by putting Jesus in to "logos" or logic. The conversations in the classroom were just going round in circles, and the bogus explination of what exactly Jesus was (which who can truly comprehend with human mind a creature being 100 percent man AND 100 percent God) but I am getting a headache at this time, especially since I am already upset about the ridiculous trial Joan of Arc had to face. She was such a simple girl, a peasant, a delicate woman trained in nothing but sewing and spinning, but loved god and desired his will. She loved Him, He loved her, so she listened. And followed. SIMPLE. Yet transcends all understanding.
So finally, in my frustration in this class, I pose the point I feel Jesus would make if He could audibly speak. In order for God to be closer to us, He lessened Himself in to the form of a man. He didn't expect us to rise up to Him. He knew it was impossible, and wanted none lost. He wanted all to understand Him. So, He became like us. became smaller, so we could look love in the eyes and understand, as best as we can with our feeble human minds.
So naturally, God does not expect us to come to Him by rising up with earthly wisdom. As a matter of fact, He makes it near impossible to. No, in the same manner, He comes down to the simplest of minds and makes Himself but of only one thing that all human souls can understand. Faith in love. Only the simple minded can truly grasp this. To let go of the crazy trip our minds take us on in order to understand it all. And just, accept that He is beyond comprehension. And to know Him, is to know something as simple as love.
The great paradox is that, the more words we use to describe Him, and the more philosophies we use to explain Him, the less He becomes. But when we simplify it to one word, Love, He becomes infinite. Simply awesome.
It is no wonder God chooses to use the humble incapable peasants to live out His will. They so easily understand what it means to be a human who believes in an immortal God. Faith in His love.
Simple.
Lord keep me simple, always.
I see this will be the biggest battle of being a PhD. Keeping my simple heart in front of my complex mind.
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[05 Apr 2005|09:49pm] |
Let us continue to love eachother since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because GOD IS LOVE, so you can't know Him if you don't know love.
1 John 4:7-8
Isn't it funny, that people can be so hatred about something so innocent?
What compels you?
Acoording to John, it can't be God.
I pray you find Him, because it's no fun to be driven by darkness.
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| Dragonflies pt 1 |
[04 Apr 2005|10:38pm] |
Tonight before class, the Lord instructed me to give my little cesar's pizza that I just bought to a homeless man he would point out. He pointed to this guy named michael at a bus stop, who was trippin out that God knew he did not eat all day and just seconds before I came, he was wondering when he could eat. What a beautiful moment of testimony, that god sees people one by one, and no sheep is lost. love is so simple.
I have to journal this before I forget.
In case any of you have not heard the dragonfly story yet, I will give a quick recap. When I was a little girl, every memorial weekend we would go up to our cabin in northern Wisconsin. Every year at this time, the dragonflies (which started as spidery-like little water nypmhs) would make the trek from the lake to the side of our cabin, where they would eventually hatch. I was so awe struck by this whole process, watching every one, and being surrounded by big ol purple/blue dragonflies with the most beautiful sparkling iridecsent wings. AMAZING.
Well one day, I became really impatient with this slow hatcher. And before it was out of it's shell completely, I decided to "help it along" in order for it to fly faster, but instead to my utter horror, it fell to the ground with crippled wet wings, unable to move. I didnt know what else to do, so I allowed it to crawl on my hand and I walked around, all day, nearly 6 hours, taking it gently with me in whatever I did. Finally, 6 hours later, it flew away.
I was so filled with joy, and thanked God for saving my mistake, but then I realized, If I would have had patience, and waited just a few more moments, that dragonfly would have been flying nearly 6 hours earlier. When the Lord wants to be obvious, He;s obvious, for I learned a 6 hour lesson of patience that day that I will never forget.
2 years ago, when I was getting frantic about my life, I had an anxiety attack in the coffee shop I was working, and one of my friends gently said "Lisa, you just need to be patient. " I gave him the ol "yea yea" but then, outside the window i was sitting by, was this big ol dragonfly was tapping at the window. And that memory of those memorial weekends filled my heart, and God simply spoke "patience." That was the biggest dragonfly, and one of the few dragonflies I have seen in Arizona.
Other weird stories followed this, including finding a shattered mug, with one big piece remaining, face up, towards me as I was walking, with a perfectly centered dragonfly. Recently, while I was making my Africa decision, late one night, I got in my car and started driving, and there was a dragonfly zippin around me head. My windows were closed. I am convinced this is my "totem". If I die, and you see a dragonfly, it's probably me sayin hello :)
i am going to eventually get a little dragonfly tattoo on the inside of my wrist, where I would usually look at a watch. instead, I am never going to wear a watch and be caught up in my idea of time. And when I see a dragonfly istead, I will remember God's time is very different than mine. But it's the time I wanna follow.
Hebrew translation for Patience= Long suffering.
That's why its a virtue of christ.
Tomorrow I will continue with this, on a great vision the Lord gave me early the other morning, furthering His meaning with dragonflies in my life.
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| Being a fool |
[01 Apr 2005|01:52pm] |
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Don't fool yourself. Don't think you can be wise merely by being up to date with the times. Be God's fool-that's the path to true wisdom. What the world calls smart, God calls stupid. 1Corinthians3:18-19
First some shout outs to my peeps. Angie, the baby is due today! I am thinking about you now and until the baby is born. May my prayers be with your little boy until he sees daylight for the first time, along with the blessed sight of his beautiful mother. May the spirit of Mary bless you with joy that surpasses the pain of childbirth. This is a new day. I love you.
Second, to my dearest catholic brothers and sisters, my heart hurts greatly for you in the news of the pope's worsening condition. He has done so much these past few years, and the glory of God has been heavily bestowed upon him. Only the wretched enemy can steal life on earth. But life everlasting will be his reward. May we all, in deep sorrow of the passing of our brother and father in christ, rejoice in his suffering that the end bring the kingdom of heaven which we all long to get to. My heart is with you guys. I love you as well.
I intended to journal today, but it is a heavy day indeed so I will just leave it with that, in that I may meditate on these thoughts all day.
When Saint Perpetua was martyred by the release of wild beasts, she ws thrown in to a state of ecstasy, and when she came out as if waking up from a deep sleep, she asked when the beast would be released not even realizing it already happened by the blood and bruising of her body.After, she made sure to retie her hair up, and to refasten her robe, in that her appearance would show no suffering, but joy. Since the beasts could not kill her, she was ordered death by the sword. The young gladiator hit the bone in her throat, and as Perpetua cried out in pain, she grabbed hold of the mans hand and guided it in the right place. Confirmation that death did not happen outside of her will. The world must look at this as stupidity, give that she had just finished weening her baby boy, and would be released to freedom if she just renounced her faith. But as she told her father, " father, look at this wash pot. Can it be called anything other than it is? such as I, can never be called anything but a Christian." Foolish? May I be worthy enough to be a fool in this world, Jesus, in your name. Release the wild beasts. And I will be sure to tie up my hair.
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| ctd... |
[30 Mar 2005|11:39pm] |
So...
After all this happens, I am shaking for about two days strait. I feel like I am so free, I am just floatin aorund all crazy. Everytime someone mentioned the Lord's name, or I heard a bible verse, or if I even thought for one small second about Him, I would be like thrown back. My neck was so sore from whiplash hahaha. Because, when someone sets you free, they are all you think about it. There would be times I would want to stop shaking so I tried real hard to focus on something as simple as an apple, but then i would think of fruit from the tree of life and I would start shaking again...
You can't help it. We barely get a grasp of the Lord. Barely understand His glory. And when you get it, really get it for a moment, it takes everything in you to not shake and cry. Those next two days were the most holiest days in my whole life. All i could see and hear were Him, and I never hated sin so much.
Sin. It's such an awful word. But I really udnerstood it is simply anything that keeps you from God. Since He is holy, so holy that if we really saw him in all his glory we would burn up and die. So he calls us to come near to Him, But because He is such a holy God, the only way we can get close is through a pure heart and a pure mind. After all these miracles at this conference, I knew one thing. I wanted to be close to Him as possible. And if sin took me away, I didnt want anything to do with it.
Satan is a trickster. He was the most beautiful angels in Heaven, and got so hoity toity about it, he decided he would try to be liek god. Well, obviously God knew stuff was going down, and kicked him right out of heaven with 1/3 of his angels. So, sin is not obvious. The worst sin is usually so beautifully covered with gold, we dont have holy enough eyes to see through it. For every great thing cretaed, satan has the counterfeit. Somethign SO close to its original beauty but so slightly twisted...
Free will is the greatest gift we ever got from the good lord. He does all He can to lead us in to righteousness, lead us in to our destiny. He loves us so much that we might see one day, the extent of His love, and choose to love Him back. Choose to obey. Because choice=freedom. And where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom. But god creates this system then. If we are to have free will, He can't just intervene. Else we'd be robots. His ultimate will will always be done, but as far as who he uses and what he uses to get it done, that's really up to us and our choices.
So there are times, where we choose evil. Open the door and invite satan to come in our lives and he has authority. Even generations past can affect us. Satan can have authority over us at birth if there was past sins in our family that weren't taken care of. Just like, the only way we can get to heaven is to CHOOSE, the only way to defeat satan is to CHOOSE to renounce in in the name of Jesus. To accept the victory was won with jesus' blood.
Obviously, after i witnessed these demons coming out of me, i witnessed the power and deceit of Satan and his army. And i witnessed how easy it is to open the door to him and give him authority to torment you. And i realized this is a life long process, casting out demons and repenting of sins and claiming victory over the evils in your life. because we are human. and we will always sin. But jesus is god, therfor we will always win.
BUT WE MUST CHOOSE to win.
love is not real if it is forced.
A victory means nothing if we were robots.
choice is what makes us human.
Its the most real way to udnerstand and know God.
My eyes are open. I know i will continue to sin, and continue to separate myself from Him. But i am going to avoid satan more than ever. I even made a choice not to go to africa and not do african drum/dance next year. I know there is worship based at these acts. And their worship and religion is serious business. I don't know enough about their past, and what kind of spirits birthed these rituals. I wasn;t making a judgement on if the spirits were of jesus or anything else, but i knew i wasnt ready to find out. All of a sudden I didnt look at them the same way. It hurts to let it go, but the only religion I want is Jesus. I want to be close enough and holy enough that i will one day have the power to lay hands over a blind man and watch his eyes restore. I want that more than anything. So everything I will gladly give up. Because Being close to Him and experiencing heaven on earth is so much better than anything else here.
My deliverer is coming.
Is He yours as well?
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| Final story of glory |
[29 Mar 2005|09:00pm] |
Man, I have been doing so much writing lately my wrist is so sore. I am not complaining, I love it. And I am so blessed to have a major where writing is priority over anything else. but, everything seems to come at once. And I am so far behind on my LJ!!!
So, the exorcism. Saturday I had met this delightful English boy, whom I befriend in hopes of getting some info on the grad school i am attending there. But I found myself smitten a bit, and alas the recent promise to God that He would be my first love was challenged by dark hair and an accent. I was troubled by this, going to my car Sat night after the last session, and I felt a bit of heaviness. I got in to my car and started it, but God told me to turn it off and wait. A couple minutes later some girls who were no more than seventeen tapped at my window and said they felt I was being heavily spiritually attacked and it wasn't safe for me to drive, and asked if they could pray with me. So, we all bunched in my car and they started praying, and all of a sudden this one girl Natasha, starts prophetically commanding the evil spirits by name that have tormented me to let go and leave. I think it was most intense when she called the spirit of hatred of body, which has been a lifelong thing including a bout of bullemia, where I started convulsing and screaming and crying out. Full out The Exorcist drama, I felt as if I should be spewing green acid. My hands became gnarled, and I started tossing around things I could get my hands on.
The next spirit was Jezebel, who was the evil women in the bible, who controlled men out of spite using seduction, and when she commanded it out of me, telling me that "lisa" was a pure precious child of god, i whipped my head back and forth shouting "NO!' and when I calmed down, Natasha grabbed my head and said "let me look in your eyes" I felt my eyes became full of hatred and she saw the spirit was faking its leaving, so she started at it again. This whole time I can feel myself in the deepest part of me, like a little girl huddled in a corner, witnessing all this. I suddenly became aware that this little innocent girl was the true me, and the manipulative seductress side of me i had known my whole life has been the influence of evil spirits.
Natasha also saw the spirit of molestation, which happened in highschool, and I have flashbacks I can't quite put to words from my early childhood. I was in tears at this, seeing how my purity had been challenged my whole life by the evil immoral use of sex in my life and generations past. And it is clear why god gently nudged me towards virginity this whole time.
after a coupel hours, I was shaking and confused, and dazed, and all I wanted to do was go home. The girls did not think I was safe to drive in this state of mind, and wanted to spend the night in prayer over me to protect me from the spirits who were just waiting to take over me again.
So i went back to Natasha's hotel room where she spent the rest of the night casting out devils, and praying over me while I slept. And spending the next morning doing the same thing, along with the next night at the last worship service. A really cool thing hapened all through this, my hand kept making a fist as if grabbing a sword. And everytime I did this I felt strength replace the emotiness the evil spirits left behind. Someone tried to interrupt us once and Natasha said "Sorry, we cant help you now we are in the middle of a deliverance."
And it hit me. This is what deliverance means. Being set free from spiritual oppression that most of us think we will be under our whole lives simply cause we don't understand our authority in Christ.
I added "deliverer" to my list of pet names for God, and with a renewed sense of freedom and a more focused ear to hear only the words of God, I started living life a whole new way.
Next LJ I will explain how demons are able to torment, and what I learned about how to keep them away.
But I have had attemtps at deliverances before. I always looked down on women, htinking them weak. Mostly angry at the women in my family who "allowed" the men to wreak such havoc in their lives and mine. And i never had any real solid girlfriends who could support the basis of my existance. So I am convinced it is no accident the Lord revealed Himself through the act of my fellow sisters. Girls who would spend the entire night praying over and loving over a sister they didnt even know. And I realized, "Wow. this is love." And God always provides people for you when you are so far away from "home."
Love you Natasha...
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| Stories of glories..pt 4 |
[22 Mar 2005|11:59pm] |
Ok, I need to wrap up the rest of the stuff so I can get to my current battle. You are my sword, father. Help me to fight him.
Ok, so one of the exercises the prophetess had us do, was split in to groups of 4. The first group made a line and faced the back, and the second group came behind them. So the first group had to pray and receieve a word for the people standing behind them, never knowing who it was. So when they felt the Lord gave them a word, they were to turn around with their eyes closed and prophecy. So, i was in the first group, and as I turned around I did my best to really feel the presence of who was in front of me, and I trusted God did not need my eyes to speak directly to this person. I told this person I saw a lion, which was the king of the wild beast. Meaning their spirit was wild and never meant to be tamed or contained. I said this was the Lion of Judah. This also meant this person was noble, and was meant to be a leader and overseer of ministries. Then I got the image of the beast in Ezekial, the lion with wings and four heads looking in all dircetions. I said this meant that the lion covered every direction, and that their ministry would move this way, spherically, so it had inifnite indefinable potential. I proclaimed that this person would lead more than one ministry. and I just kept saying COURAGE over them. When I opened my eyes, this 30 something woman had her hands cupped over her mouth, and tears rollin down her cheeks, and since i was finished she was free to let go. And this woman just said to me "you have no idea..." And she started wailing and shaking, and falling to the ground. I looked up and down the line, but no one else seemed to have this reaction. The prophetess and others had to come and help her because she was so affected by my word. After a while, when she calmed down and sat down, I asked her what happened. She said that my word was the confirmation she had been lookgin for her whole life. That she has gotten bits and pieces like that, but never a word that was so specific and full. I was speechless. At this point, I am kind of confused as to what is going on, and having a hard time believing this stuff to be real. As if there is this huge joke being played on me, and I am jsut waiting for someone to say "hey you got punked." I;ve been feeling the stirring in me as of late. And I know God is moving in my life, because He keeps asking me if I am His and if I desire His will and if I will go. I know something is being prepared, but its so easy to psyche yourself up so I wasn't sure what to make of everything. Well, that same night during worship, I was distracted reading about this lady who works with orphans in africa, and I was so touched by the pictures of this little boy being baptized and he is raching for the heaven and is screaming in joy. And another picture of this small boy worshiping with one hand on his heart, and one hand reaching to God. And I've never seen such beauty. My heart was so filled with desire to be part of this, it felt like it might explode. Well, the prophetess walked over by me during worship and I quick put the book down thinking i was getting in trouble or something, and she starts speaking over me. She said " you in the green shirt. I just see God right now, swirling over you. He's just swirling and swilring, an I feel like He wants me to tell you, you were NOT a mistake. You were created for a time such as this. You are called to operate in the prophetic. And He is well pleased in you, and it is your heart that attracts Him to you. You have a big desinty over your life, called to the nations, and He wants you to know His love is all you need. That you will be the cup that spills over His joy on to others, and He will just keep filling you up with more and more of Him. And that this is a time to draw near to Him and find your comfort in Him. That it's time to please Him, and not please others. That my feet are being set to a path of righteousness, and if I keep my feet on this path, the Lord will continue to keep taking me from glory to glory." I was balling. She didnt do this with everyone. Maybe 2 or three of us, and there were at least 200 there. and I was off hiding in a corner reading a book not even paying attention, and she still was led to me. As if God knew, I needed to know He is real, and really moving in my life. And it's crazy cause the whole bootcamp, everyone keep stopping me to let me know, they felt really strongly that the Lord was goign to use me in big ways. And that the joy was my strength. And that love poured out of my eyes. And it was jsut so ironic, that I have led an empty life of trying to gain favor and attention through beauty, and it was when I showed up somewhere, unshowered in a t shirt with my hair up in a pony tail, eyes to the ground and silent, that everyone noticed me. Simply cause the fire of God was the only thing I was revealing to anyone...I know this all sounds like I am trying to brag, but it's the opposite. To realize, I am nothign without Him, Truly, that any power or favor, is all Him. And these stories are not meant to raise me up, but to glorify Him...to show He is alive TODAY and ready to speak to us if we will just TURN OUR EARS TO HEAVEN. Everytime Joan of Arc woudl be among royalty, she would always bow her head. And when people would try to come see her, she would hide herself. She knew, her gift was Him and in order for it to be used correctly, she must decrease so He may increase. Jesus. Give me that same heart.
Tomorrow...real life exorcism. Battles are real...
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| Stories of glories..pt 3 |
[22 Mar 2005|01:03am] |
Man alive, the crazy stuff keeps happening I cannot even keep up.
So the second day of lunch, we went to Arizona Mills mall to find some shoes for Bonnie. While we were walking past a cosmetics stand, this man stopped us to sell us some thing. I asked him if he was from Israel and he asked me how I knew. I said maybe it was the accent but he said there was no way I could have been able to tell. So, I jump in and tell him I am practicing hearing from god and ask if I can practice with him. I know he is jewish, and still doesn't udnerstand the revelation of Jesus, but the unsaved can still hear, and Jesus still works through and speaks to everyone. (which is amazing in itself, no sheep will be lost) So I hold his hands and pray with him, and tell him i see him as a little boy, running around all hyper by this body of water, And he's runnin and runnin and then he falls. Well, Eddie( we find is his name) tells me that he never grew up around water and kind of smiled like he defeated me and Jesus, but then his face changes and he says "wait a minute...i did fall by the water when I was a little boy. Oh my, well tell me what happened!" and I told him i knew he hurt himself badly but I just goofed around and guessed his knee, but then he shows me this huge scar on his chin that was from that fall. And he kind of looks at me, listening a little more closely now. So I proceed to tell him that God wants him to know that his spirit was created to be all hyper, to run around all crazy like he did as a child. To not feel guilty about the trauma he experienced in acting this way, but to embrace that spirit cause he was created like the wind. And that god knows and udnerstand that his spirit is not meant to be contained by religious laws or customs, but will fully understand christ in the freedom his spirit desires. And when i finish he kind of nods but then sarcastically drops my hands, says he has to get back to business, and I ask him "well what is more important, spiritual wealth or physical wealth, and he jokes around that he needs the money more. So we thank him, say shalom and go eat lunch. I felt kind of defeated, like he didnt receive all I said to him because of the wall he had up and that my prophecy did nothing to break that. But as we were leaving the mall, we ran in to him again and he said "sister sister! There is a girl that is working the same stand named Noia, and I told her how much you helped me and she wants to know if you can give her a word from the Lord too!" And he's all smiles. I am simply elated, so we walk to the stand, I just go up to her and hold her hands, and say "Noia...would you like a word?" And she said "Oh you are the girl who can hear from god! Eddie was telling me all about you!" So I prayed and I told her I saw her as a little girl, and she would always have a long flowing dress on, and she would spin around and pretend she was a princess. and she said "oh yes yes, I am" and smiles. And that even to this day, that desire to be a princess still dwells in her heart. That her whole life, she has felt misunderstood, and that no one relaly udnerstood everything she was. And she was jsut waiting, and just hoping that one day, someone would stop and say "wow, this royal woman is beautiful and she is something SPECIAL and I need to have her as my own. And by this time she's just listening to every word, so I tell her she is a princess because she belongs to the KING. That even when she feels no one knows her true beauty and worth, God knows and God looks upon her and sees the deepest part of her heart. And that it is worth so much to Him and He just keeps saying "She is so beautiful to me." And I told her God wanted her to know, when she was little and twirling around, that He was dancing with her. and she just laughs, and looks at Bonnie and says "she is good" and her eyes were glassed over and her heart was wide open. I got to explain to her how God speaks today, and how we all can hear. How I am just learning now...And we hugged and I gave her my blessings. and I could just feel that shared love again and I knew that feeling WAS Jesus.
Is this really happening? Lord I want you to slow down so I can write this all down, but I want you to keep coming cause its so awesome. WHO COULD WANT ANYTHING ELSE THAN TO WALK DAILY IN A POWER THAT CHANGES LIVES BEFORE YOUR EYES? I am sold.
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| Stories of glories..pt 2 |
[21 Mar 2005|12:33am] |
Wow. Just had the last session of the conference tonight. I can't believe I almost convinced myself I didn't have enough energy to go the second half of the week. Even though I was spent Tuesday, you have no idea how spent I am tonight. I am excited to journal about last night and the freedom from bondage, but I need to get out the stories from earlier in the week. So, later...
The first day this lady Bonnie was sitting next to me. She was old enough to be my mom, but we became buddies right off the bat. Time is funny like that...that I enjoyed making friends with a mom and didnt even think once about her age. ANYWAY,
I am so blessed I met her because although it is really awesome to attend a conference alone, the miracles you witness have confirmation if you share it with someone. She kept me from going crazy. She made it easy for me to believe everything happening because she could testify too. It's cool cause we were testing with middle names and favorite colors and stuff. And so I prayed and got her middle name on the second try, and her favorite color along with her childhood nickname! When I prayed about her mission trip this summer, I got Indonesia, but it was really India. That's funny too cause we prophecy in part, so it is neat to see how your mind picks it up, and what could cause it to be a little off.
So one of the days we went out for lunch, we were encouraged to test out our prophetic on our waitress. So me and Bonnie went to Panda Express and immediately the Lord starts speaking the destiny of one of the servers. I was like "Woah, ok God if this is you, get her out from behind the counter and then I promise I will share you word." And a second later she comes out and starts cleaning the table by where I am standing. So, deep breath, and I ask her what her dream was for her life. And she just looked at me confused and I realized she didnt speak English! So I jsut said never mind, and a little angry at God for making me look like a phony in front of my new friend Bonnie. So we get our food, sit down and eat, and then He keeps talking to me about her. Telling me how she is carrying a wound on her heart that was caused by her father. He instructed me to tell her she is His daughter and that He was going to put her back together. So I say again "Ok Lord, this girl speaks Spanish, I barely remember the spanish I once new and I have no idea how to prophecy in Spanish because it's too much, but if You REALLY want me to do this, bring her out from behind the counter again." A second later she walks out and grabs a table next to ours for her lunch break. So Bonnie looks at me, seeing that I am going for a second shot. Gives me this "oh no, again?" look. But I press onward and slip in across from the girl. And, slowly, we began to communicate in Spanglish. God just kept blessing me with memory of certain words, and she udnerstood certain words, and then helped me with words that I acted out. So I told her He called her daughter, and that when i walked in I was hit with the beauty of her spirit. I told her I knew she was hurting, and that it was caused by a man, possibly her papa? And she shook her head, and then I ask her what happened. She proceeds to tell me, as best as she could tho I couldnt get it all, that her dad just hurt her mom 3 months ago, so the mom finally kicked him out and they are in the middle of a divorce. And it is tearing her heart up. So I make a heart with my hands, and then break it apart, and she shakes her head, so I said you heart is broken now (broke my hands apart) but God( pointed up) is going to put it all back together again(put my hands back in the shape of a heart. ) And so I asked her if she understood (Entiendes?) And she said she did, but had no idea if what I was telling her was truth. So I asked her what she thought, and she just smiled and shrugged. And I said "sister I can't tell you what to believe. But I just had to let you know that when I walked in this restaurant, the beauty of your spirit blew me away and I had to tell you all the things God spoke to me about you so you have the chance to be blessed and know He hears your prayers." And she smiled and said thank you...And I know it was overwhelming. DUH! But I just wondered what the Lord spoke to her that night when she went home, and had time to reflect on this random crazy girl telling her God loves her and is gonna heal her... Believe it with your mind or not, but the spirit was hit hard and the seed was planted. And I know her heart felt a twinge of hope as I left with a smile and a wave.
And I was floored. Not only did I get a chance to take a risk on a stranger, but in Spanglish! And it was a success... How our eyes spoke all the words our mouths couldnt, and love was shared. Beautiful!
Tomorrow: the second day lunch with Israelite Jews!!! Stay tuned...
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| Stories of glories..pt 1 |
[18 Mar 2005|10:15pm] |
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ok...which story to start off with. Well, we were first asked to pair up with some random person we felt led to pray with. And I ended up with this older women. So I started and prayed a while, and then told her all the things I felt the Lord was telling her. I saw a vivid picture of a lightbulb, and then I saw a train coming. i told her I saw her caught, blinded by the trains bright lights like a deer in headlights. I told her not to be afraid, that the Lord would come crashing in to her like a train, and if she just stayed and focused on the light, the closer the train would come the more consumed she would become by that light. And this is how she would become an illumination of the Lord, by standing still, allowing the oncoming light to blanket her. And that she was like a mother hen, that she provided shelter and protection for others, a place where people come to rest. I can't really remember it all, but when I opened my eyes she was crying and told me that was exact confirmation to everything that's been said over her before. I didnt realize the magnitude of this prophecy until today at the second part of the conference, her husband came up to me and said "you are lisa right? I am pat's husband, and she told me all about the word you gave her and how much it blessed her and I wanted to thank you for it" and then he hugged me. That was really neat cause sometimes when you have words for people, they dont know how to react right away. But seeing that she rememeber my word, and told her husband all about me, it must have hit her hard!! And that is the goal...listening to god to speak beautiful things over His children. To simply be the vessel that carries His spirit to others. And the great thing is, we can all do it. The bible says His thoughts for each of us daily outnumber the grains of sand in the world. Thats a lot of thoughts being spoken over us in a day's time, and since the Lord lives in us, we have an opportunity to connect with that spirit and actually grab words or phrases of what is being said. It's not an audible voice (well, sometimes it is...) but it's in our thoughts. A word or a picture that seem to come out of nowhere, and you pray about it and soon it starts bubbling into a phrase or a movie and it just goes and goes...The bible says we prophecy in part, so we are not always right and never get the whole picture. But its such a heart opener to go up to a stranger, when you hear Him correctly(and you learn after you get a feel for how it works) and speak words over them that strangers shouldnt know...it makes them hungry real fast for wherever it's coming from. Think about it, we are into psychics today, and differnet things cause we are hungry and we are hurting and we want answers! This is exciting, and it changes lives, and brings glory to god, and its flat out miraculous!!! Christianity is meant to be this way! Satan has a counterfeit to every gift of god, and this is what fortune tellers are. Prophetic people today are God's example of mysteries being revealed, and destinies being proclaimed. If you think this is nuts, or not biblically based...read the book of acts. Everyone who desires gets and releases all of the gifts. This is how Jesus created the church...to be alive and free and outside of buildings! To operate in the miraculous on a normal basis! MAN ALIVE this stuff is blowing my mind. And I believe cause i have SEEN. And I have FELT the love of God in my OWN heart! And that is all I can ask of anyone else. I dont expect anyoen to believe without proof. So lemme give ya some proof! Another story tomorrow...TBC!
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| Joan-in-training |
[15 Mar 2005|11:11pm] |
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So I spent the last two days in a "prophetic bootcamp" with a prophetess from Canada who visited to teach peopel how to hear the Lord better. I've been reading the story of Joan of Arc that Mark Twain wrote, and one night He commanded me to go to this bootcamp. I didnt have any money so I just dismissed it and kept reading, but He was so persistant. So I said" alright Lord if you want me to do this, bring to me the money and I will know it is you. " And when I started reading again, the holy spirit fell so hard on me, I had to get up and drive over to church. And that's when the last journal entry happened*note below*...So when I got there, my friend Drew was handing out flyers about another conference this lady was leading, and I was talking about how I wanted to go to her bootcamp but it was impossible. And without hesitation, Drew offered to send me with his money.(love you!) I was so blessed, it took no longer than 5 minutes for the Lord to make it obvious I was to go to this thing. Well...WOW. i know why. I am new. I can't even begin to tell you the utter holy craziness that took place here, and all the blessings and confirmations I received. I have goosebumps as I write cause it's so hard to believe God is this real....So. I will tell you, one journal entry at a time, the stories I have. It will take me a long time to finish them all, but may you be blessed and encouraged in your own walk of faith through these stories. For the things I witnessed have nothing to do with me. But with ALL of us. God...is on His way kids. And He is so ridiculously real it's not even funny. Open your pretty little eyes....TBC
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| late night thougt... |
[07 Mar 2005|02:33am] |
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Lisa: Do I have to give up marriage?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: Do I have to give up getting another dog?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: Do I have to give up being a mother?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: Do I have to give up my home?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: So...no marriage means, I keep the virgin label. Forever.
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: *wince*
Lisa: Do I have to give up finding a new home and live from a suitcase full of faith?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: Do I have to give up my dreams?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: Even if they are to glorify You?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: Do I have to give up security and comfort, and live life in such a way that tomorrow never seems certain?
Lord: Would you?
Lisa: ...*silent tears*...Do I have to give up my life?
Lord: Could you?
Lisa: ...*weeping*...*deep breath*...Yes Lord. If you asked me to. I choose You.
Lord: You asked to be my little martyr. To live a life for me, to go anywhere, do anything, say anything. To put on your armor, take up your sword, and expand my territory. Why did you pray this my child if you weep so?
Lisa: Because, in the deepest part of my heart, I feel Your love for me. And it is a fire. A drum, that beats so strongly my heart might explode. I feel infinite. And ready. To be victorious. And the prayers I find there, are to do the impossible. To do things my mind would never think. Because, the place where You love me, there is no fear. And it's simple to know, my life is the least I can give for such a love as this.
Lord: Do you love me?
Lisa: I want to.
Lord: Do you trust me?
Lisa: ...I am beginning.
Lord: Oue love is your marriage. My friendship, your pet. My spirit, your child to ween. My treasures, your home. My intimacy, better than sex. Trust me...My kingdom, your new home. My will, your dream. Your comfort and security, my army of angels. My death, your life. Your death, My life. I am Your only need. Trusting this is martyrdom.
Lord: Can I have you, my beautiful?
Lisa: Yes Lord. Here I am.
Lord: Can I keep you?
Lisa: ...Please, my Beautiful.
Lord: Things are already happening. Trust the sacrifice.
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